I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
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I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
guys I’m going home
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
cyclists
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.