Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
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can’t wait til they legalize outside
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.