My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
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This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
Hotels are back
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
Lucky old June.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby