no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
You Might Also Like
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish