I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
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I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
fourth time’s the charm
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.