The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
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“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
You saw nothing. I am ham.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button