me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
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It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”