if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
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“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco