The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
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A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
2022: I can fix it
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.