Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
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I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
the composer
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on