Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
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wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
Mission: Impossible
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers