Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
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Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan