If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
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My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea