Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
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Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
Got him!
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?