I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
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If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”