From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
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Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
I just tested negative for patience.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
me when i see my girls butt
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.