Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
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-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs