“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
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I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.