I think I’m having a stroke
You Might Also Like
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
Des Moines Police having a normal one
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
called in thicc to work this morning
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.