I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
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I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
i think we should see other cousins
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you