Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
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Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
what kind of cook setting is this??
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live