No, I don’t think I will.
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showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
#milo
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.