Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
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before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.