Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
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relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.