My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
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i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears