[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
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me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
Butt weight. There’s more!
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.