What?!?
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Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder