Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.

LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!

#NationalLazyDay

*Turning off led flashlight.

Led flashlight: hahahahaha

I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.

My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.

I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.

Like Customs, for example.

In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.

I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.

How do I get a job writing these texts

People: cheer up, things could be worse

Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how

judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth

me: no

judge: [covers mic] what do I do

Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?

Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.

So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL

impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.

If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”

You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine

Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.

I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.

[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here

Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever

For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.

my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant

I bought a pair of underwear today.

In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.

In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.

[dinner time]

ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*

WIFE: not that high

“Woah woah hey woah”

[me attempting to breakup a fight]

listen closely

I heard you like bad girls. I’m bad at everything

If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.