where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
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Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
this could fix me
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
When libraries troll their patrons.
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.