This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
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I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant