This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
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*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
Mistakes were made
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you