My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
You Might Also Like
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.