2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
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I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
my friends when i can’t do basic math
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
When ur friends with white people
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
But is it really??
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that