“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
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The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
Bobby pin
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
the world’s most popular steaming services
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
Air pods looking like an angry frog