My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
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centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
I have no passwords left in me
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!