It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
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announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.