Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
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Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming