Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
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Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.