What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
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me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.