My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
You Might Also Like
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
how to have fun when you’re poor
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house