[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
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Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.