My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
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11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
looks legit
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out