Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
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Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
How I’d get arrested…
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
spot the difference
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.