When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
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*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush