i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
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I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”