I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
getting old is fun
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.