Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
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Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.