I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
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Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*