Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
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As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.