I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
You Might Also Like
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
No Google it does not
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband: